Monday, May 29, 2006

Rob Zombie's House of a 1000 Corpses

SHelby, rob zombie, Moon, hourse of a 1000 corpses

I saw Rob Zombie's movie, House of a 1000 corpses (starring Sheri Moon, Sid Haig, Karen Black) thinking that it might be somewhat interesting like most of his colorful cartoon-like album covers and music videos.
What I realized is that Rob Zombie should just stick to drawing, give up filmmaking and screenplay writing, since he basically sucks at it. Yup, he sure is why...

White Zombie satanophonic The first 10 minutes of the film was good, despite the weak script to support it. The old man and the clown shooting the robbers was rather amusing. Especially the line when the old man suddenly asked the robber "hey didn't you work at the hardware store". That was the only best line in the whole movie.
The banter between the nerdy guy and clown discussing his book about Road Trips, was worthy to note.

The clown character appeared to be interesting at first, however his script was weak. He was cursing the "F" word in almost every sentence. Somehow this made him look more normal and less sinister. Since cursing today is something that even regular office people do, it is no longer taboo or cool.

I don't have anything against cursing. I enjoyed watching Dennis Hopper in the movie "Unspeakable" where he played a prison warden. In one scene, he went on a tirade of cursing before he died. This was an excellent performance by Dennis Hopper, and the cursing was done magnificently. Brava!

The young people that were taking the road trip did not have well-developed characters. What was up with the girlfriends of the guys on the road trip? One girl kept doing eyeball rolls. I understand that Rob was trying to show that the girl was very annoyed at her boyfriend's antics and very critical of the clown people. But the expressions on her face were redundant and un-interesting to watch. Why did it take her so long to die anyway?? Perhaps they should have made her more neurotic or hyper. I mean did Rob Zombie cast these actors. Is this how he wanted them to act? Without no character?

In addition to that, the technique and the direction were horrible. Rob Zombie never let the story flow. He kept interrupting it with flashy special effects, mixed in with older horror movie scenes. These effects are good when used once or twice, but are certainly useless when used constantly throughout the movie. It sort of distracts the viewer and it's easy to loose sight of the story and what the characters are saying. If anything these flashy scenes looked like part of a music video. Rob Zombie should have just made several music videos then.

In terms of the characters and plot. There was no plot and the characters were all unoriginal. I give Rob Zombie credit in that he has taken the time to watch lots of B movies, horror 70 movies and many movies that are actually very good with great characters and plots. Most people shun movies like that. But hey Rob, is it absolutely necessary, to lift certain scenes from these movies you see, re-enact them, and mush them together to form your movie??? Many scenes were like that. For instance the members of the macabre family sitting around the table, looked like a direct copy of chainsaw massacre.

The scene that consisted of a dude cutting the guy who wore specs with the razor, while the blonde girl was dancing to music. That was a direct copy from Reservoir Dogs where Michael Madsen was cutting off the dude's ear and dancing to music. The only difference was that Michael Madsen acted that part much better.
Also the scene where the annoying eyeball rolling girl finally escaped and ran onto some deserted road and hitchhiked her way, was a direct cut from Chainsaw Massacre where the girl also ran out onto a similar road in a similar setting.

I mean there is nothing wrong if you are inspired by horror movies and want to make something similar. But this just didn't come off well. He directly copied scenes and didn't make any alterations to give it a new twist. There were too many re-enactments of older movies slammed together. And since Rob movies mashed it with too many flashy special effects, it just seemed like a video game after a while.

The camera was never steady; nor was it ever quiet to hear what was going on. But then again nothing was going on, so Rob just played his music over lots of ripped off scenes.
In terms of horror, this movie wasn't scary one bit. Just too much scary music playing, but no real built up suspense scenes. Just cutting here and there, but nothing that suited my fancy.

Rob Zombie behind the camera?

My tip to Rob Zombie is to stick to drawing and producing still images. The camera is no place for you buddy boy!!!! Perhaps Rob Zombie was just surrounded by his usuall group of lackeys and Kiss Assers that he failed to see his mistakes. After all kissing ass, can really dis-illusion a person.

Not to mention the fact, that I still find it particularly odd that he fired all his old band mates(including his ex-girlfriend Sean Yesult) from White Zombie to form his new band Rob Zombie. Rob Zombie lacked the zest that White Zombie had. What happened to the heavy bass sounds you used to hear before? I bet he didn't want to pay his old band mates equally, and thought he can make his music and get all the profits. It was tolerable that he thought he can make his music alone but to think he can make a "cult" movie alone!!!! Get off your high horse, boy!

Today, Rob Zombie is considered a "great filmmaker" and was interviewed by Eddie Elephant Trunk of VH1 Classics. Eddie Elephant just fawned over his "great movies" and his great music videos. I saw his latest music video "foxy foxy". He should just call it "slutty slutty". He made it a point that he wanted to use friends and show women as real and not as "models".

Well, maybe these women look good in other scenarios, but in this video these women were made to look quite plain like the average slut you would find in a bar. They had very standard boring expressions on their faces. Nothing interesting or breath-taking. It's like watching MTV's real world set to music. If Rob Zombie is making such a boring looking video, at least feature beautiful and glamorous women then!
Robert Palmer had the right idea for he featured beautiful drones in his video.

Now Rob Zombie can't even do good music videos anymore. I suppose showing plain woman, with bland expressions entices insecure guys/girls to watch it. Simply because they don't feel autmatically rejected/jealous of these women.
Examples of women with interesting facial expressions is Siouxsie
and the Banshees. Even though she might not be the most beautiful lady in the world, her facial expressions, and mannerisms make her music videos very enticing, sexy and quite glamourous to watch.

So Rob Zombie if you like horror movies here are some movies that I recommend. My advise to you is to study the characters, the story lines, the camera angles, and also the LACK of flashy special effects. In this way you concentrate on the plot and really get into the story.
My is list is as follows:
Dead Alive (aka Brain Dead, from New Zealand, 1992)- Excellent characters, excellent plot
Re-Animator (based on HP love craft's novel, 1985) - Plot flowed, with lots of suspense, Loved the scientist character
Tenebre (Dario Argento director, from Italy, 1982) - good suspense build up
Sisters (Brian DePalma, 1973) - interesting story with suspense
Frailty (director Bill Paxton, 2001) - Good story, with good characters)
Night of the Living Dead (George Romero, 1968) - Very interesting to watch the story unfold
A Most Particularly Peculiar Bank Heist (Ms. Divine) - A comedy/drama one-lady sketch film done in a most unusuall style.

And my final recommendation of a particularly scary, horror movie that will make you quiver is Blood Sucking Freaks. I guarantee that if Rob zombie watches this, he will become a frightened white zombie. Heheheheee.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Anastasia Misses Her Pet

"The Hands"

 Anastasia Misses Her Pet – The Hands

Click here to play Video Diary

Dear Diary,
I have some terrible news to bring you. You see, my darling beloved diary, as I peered out of the blinds this morning, I saw a strange set of black hands beneath my window tying up the garbage bags. The familiar hands that I was so used to seeing all these years were not there. These strange new hands are different.
The hand itself is much smaller and attached to it are these small chubby fingers. It is so clumsy you will not believe it.

Something has gone wrong!
The familiar hands that I am so used to seeing were much bigger with longer thinner fingers attached to it. Oh........ but don’t get me wrong dear diary, I am open to change and new things in my life. But these new strange hands are just doing everything WRONG!
It’s trying the garbage bags all wrong. It’s not putting enough garbage into the garbage bags and as a result, the garbage bags have too many air pockets.

But those familiar hands that I had grown quite fond of always did this task oh so precisely. Those familiar hands would vigorously shove twice the amount of garbage into the garbage bag and as a result there were no air pockets. It would then tie tight knots at the end of the garbage bag, resulting in a horizontal oval shape. The familiar hands would then violently throw the perfectly identical stuffed garbage bags unto a rusty cart. But no matter how violently these hands behaved, it always had excellent aim!

At the end of the day, I would see neat stacks of garbage bags, perfectly and oh so precisely aligned, stacked one on top of each other. Never in my life have I seen such a glorious and beautiful sight such as this before. What a magnificent piece of art!!

However, no magnificent piece of art no matter how elegant it is is not complete until it has the artist’s signature on it. It is then that I see a giant glob of spit rise high up into the air and land in the middle of the stacked garbage bags. It is then that I know that this exquisite piece of art is finally completed.

The sun’s rays would shine on the glob of spit radiating a lovely warm beam. I suspect that the glob of spit belonged to the mouth of these familiar hands. Oh but these familiar hands are no more. They have ceased to exist.

This set of new hands is so disturbing! The garbage bags look like garbage bags on the rusty cart. It doesn’t look like the beautiful piece of art that I am so used to seeing. And to top it off, there is no glob of beautiful spit.

What a set of pathetic hands these new hands are!!! Gently placing the garbage bags on the cart as if it’s a new born baby.
I hate this new set of hands that I see beneath my window. I’ve got to figure out a way to get rid of this set of new hands, so that maybe the familiar hands can come back.

Perhaps an axe with a sharp blade might be the solution. This axe can slice these strange new hands off. If there are no more new hands, then there will be no more badly tied garbage. Then perhaps those familiar hands would have to come back. Things will be normal again. I can watch the beautiful piece of artwork get created before me.
And most of all, I can live happily ever after.

- Anastasia.

View all of Anastasia Video Diary Entries by clicking here

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Jeff Lorber Show

Has anybody ever seen the Jeff Lorber Show aka as Jeff Lorber's Model Call on Queens Public TV (QPTV).

Jeff Lorber is a really weird looking guy, with a crooked face, big glasses, and huge teeth that tend to come out of his mouth from time to time. He stands in different neighborhoods with a sign, which reads "Jeff Lorber's Model Call", and tries desperately to get all girls passing on the road to model for his show.

This desperation starts to get humorous, as you keep seeing close ups of this guy's strange face, followed by his ramblings. At times he carries this giant bra and gets people to touch it and do silly things with it. Sometimes it’s a bit boring, but sometimes lots of funny things happen.

It's sort of like an improv where just about everything is done spontaneously.

However, whatever information I looked up for Jeff Lorber was all negative. Many people seemed outraged that he actually had his own TV show that reached many viewers. Their common comments were "how does a guy like that, get on TV' or "That guy is really pathetic", "Jeff Lorber is mentally disturbed".

Well thank God a guy like that got on Public Access TV!! Jeff Lorber is not pathetic but is apathetic to the people that are near him, as he bulldozes himself around with his large sign that reads "Jeff Lorber's Model Call".

Is Jeff Lorber really mentally disturbed? Well it's hard to say who is and who isn't in this world. I've always thought the mentally disturbed were the beings that glorify shows such as "Big Sluts in the City", "You have No Enthusiasm because you are a whining old bald man", and "Fatso's eating spaghetti". Aaaah.... Can u guess what shows I am talking about?

But anyway, let me not stray away from the point, I shall discuss those un-original shows and the steady decline of quality entertainment on mainstream Television in another blog entry.

The Jeff Lorber Show is truly unique in that it is the Jeff Lorber Show. Nobody could copy it, because Jeff Lorber has his own trademark, his own uniqueness and his own personality. His jokes don't follow any standard formula as seen on Comedy Central. He just rambles and gets really excited over the things he says. So if you are used the standard, the mundane and the boring and don’t' have eye to pick out the amusing, the interesting and the odd, then the Jeff Lorber Show is not for you.

My favorite scene from the Jeff Lorber show is as follows -
He clumsily attempts to put money in a parking meter while still holding this giant bra. He starts saying something sarcastic to the effect of
"Yeah, Bloomberg is really good, he lets us do this..."
as he toys with the parking meter. Then he gets completely distracted and pauses in mid sentence as 3 hasidic jews round the corner walking robotically in unison.

They were wearing, a yamaoka (that thing on their head) and the white straps (religious threads) dangling from under their shirts. He appeared to be excited and kind of amused at their appearance.

He shouts out in glee "Hey, look I could put something on my head too".
He then puts the giant bra on his head and points excitedly "Look at me, I could be like you!"

He says it in a very comical manner. The 3 hasidic jews walked briskly but paused 0.1 of a second to look.

Suddenly Jeff Lorber gets a bit scared and very somberly says quickly to the camera "Oops, I can get into trouble for that one!"

That was the best improv I have seen him do on the show so far. I laugh to this day when I play back that little scene in my big head.

Other funny things that Jeff Lorber has said were

"I've been unemployed for 15 years"

"I haven't been on a date for 6 years"

Another funny incident from his show occurred at the over-rated Victoria Secrets store. By the way, it's completely ridiculous to spend 50 bucks on an undergarment unless you are super rich or you feel like furnishing the salary of the un-talented Tyra Banks. Wrapping oneself in aluminum foil is a much more appealing and glamorous look..

Anyway, the guard at this very over-rated Victoria Secret underwear Store ushered Jeff Lorber out of the parking lot because he tried to talk to a cardboard Mannequin to be on his show. hehee.

A while back, I have stumbled into stores after too much wine and struck up conversations with various mannequins about how expensive the garments are. Talking to inanimate objects is a very enjoyable experience.

Aside from that, a very beautiful model girl (Lana Piryan) comes on his show regularly. Her character doesn't speak English and she screams and shouts at Jeff Lorber, and to people on the street in a different language. She too is very funny and is good at comedic improvisations. I wonder what ever happened to Lana?

Anyway, Jeff Lorber also has a nerdy guy who frequents the show regularly with a rubber chicken that he carries. This guy gets beaten by the beautiful model girl with the rubber chicken.

I wonder what happened to Jeff Lorber. All his shows are repeats. I wonder if he is dead?

Because I could not find any pictures of the Jeff Lorber Show, I did a little cartoon sketch of his show just for fun.

Jeff Lorber's Model Call
The Jeff Lorber's Model Call Show on qptv  Lana Piryan and Rubber Chicken dude

Standing from left to right:
Jeff Lorber, Beautiful Model Girl(Lana Piryan aka Piriyan), Nerdy guy with rubber chicken.

His show Airs Weekly on Queens Public Television (mainly repeats)

Also if you do enjoy watching Queens Public TV, why not check out my show as well.
The name of it is Ms. Divine's Tee Hee Heure Its a one lady sketch comedy variety show.
It airs weekly

Queens Public TV (QPTV)

Saturdays-- 07:00PM -- Chn 56
Verizon Fios 36, RCN 84, TWC 56

Sundays-- 01:30PM -- Chn 79
Verizon Fios 35, RCN 83, TWC 35

Brooklyn Public TV (BCAT)
Mondays -- 6:30PM -- Chn 34
Verizon 42, RCN 82, Cablevision 67

Manhattan Network TV (MNN)
Mondays -- 10:30PM -- Chn 67
Verizon 36, RCN 85, TWC 67

Visit my website at for more details about me.

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Friday, May 05, 2006

Anastasia's Obsession

"The Icelandic Diary"

 Anastasia’s Obsession – The Icelandic Diary

Click here to play Video Diary

Dear Diary,
The Icelandic Language is a very very complicated language and I do not understand it at all.
It consists of a series of letters all thrown in together as if it is supposed to make some sort of sense. In fact if I were to speak in the Icelandic language it would sound, as if I have some sort of seizure and I am unable to breathe!! That is how hard it is to pronounce words in the Icelandic Language.

For instance – If I were to translate the English sentence
“I like to eat custard pies “
The Icelandic Translation would be:
Þá steig að sjá borgina og turninn

As you can see, it sounds as if I was having some sort of seizure and was unable to breathe.

But anyway, enough of all this.......
You see, not too long ago, I came across a diary of a strange man written in the Icelandic Language. In order to un-earth this man’s deep dark secrets, I have to painstakingly translate each Icelandic diary to the English Language. This has only been one HORRIBLE disaster.

In his latest Icelandic entry he writes -
Drottinn niður til þess um alla jörðina
Once again, it sounds like complete gibberish. And again it sounds like as if I was having some sort of seizure or some sort of trouble breathing as I read it.
Anyway, after spending all day translating this horrible diary entry I get an even stranger English Translation

He writes:
“I the Frog-Man awoke with despoliation desultory.”
Or maybe he wrote
“I the Frog-Man awoke with desultory despoliation”
It's hard to tell from the translation.
But it doesn't matter, because first of all what kind of man begins his diary entry with “I the Frog Man”!!!
And what on earth does "Desultory" and "Despoliation" mean.

This is so unfair. After spending hours and hours brooding over this man's horrible Icelandic Entry and painstakingly translating each word from his diary into English, I end up with an English sentence that consists of huge words of which I still cannot understand.
It looks like I need an English dictionary to translate what these big words mean!!!

This is so unfair and to top it off I still have not unearthed any dark secrets of this strange man, except lots of sentences with mumbo jumbo words.
Perhaps the only way to end my obsession with this man’s Icelandic diary is to get rid of the man himself. If there is no man, then there would be no Icelandic diary entry and thus my obsession with him will be gone as well......

Poison has always been a VERY VERY GOOD option.
With him gone, I shall once again be free of this strange man and his strange mumbo jumbo sentences in his Icelandic Diary. Not only that, but I believe that his pain and suffering shall be my pleasure.

Soon, I shall be free, because never again will I have to be bothered with the complexities of this horrible Icelandic language, for this man will be dead very very soon.


View all of Anastasia Video Diary Entries by clicking here